December 27, 2011

Ephesians, my favorite

I can't find the words I need. Maybe there's too many of them in my mind needing to get out and that's why. I'm not sure. Maybe I think I don't know what to write about. Maybe I lost site of this blog being my journal and for me, and instead I open it up and go straight to my email to see if someone commented on it. To see if someone read something that I wrote. Tonight, I need to write for me. You just happen to be reading it. Or are you? Maybe it won't be published. 
I started to blog around two years ago. I was pregnant with Azariah. I was excited to journal and share how she was doing and also share my faith. I had two blogs, one for me and one for my walk with the Lord. This one was the second. I liked the name and I thought the two shouldnt be separate so I merged them. It seems I've lost site of that whole idea. Connecting my life with His.
Since then we've had good times and bad. We've had two jobs and then one job and then no jobs at all. We've had "I want to go to church, I need to!" and we've had "I want to sleep in!" or some days "I really want to go to church tomorrow, we've missed a couple weeks." and then we wake up too late. I had Riah. I had Emery. We moved twice, and further from our home church. In all of that it seems that when the newlywed stage was over, the kids arrived, the bills, and the growing up, I somehow gave up stepping closer to my Jesus. 
Lately I've found myself having a few good days. Energized (or over caffeinated more like it) and motivated and happy. Followed by a couple down days. Tired, lazy, sad, and grumpy. Then I pick myself up and my motivation is there because I feel bad about those days and how many times I had to yell at a 2 year old who's favorite word is "no." 
My Lord is standing in front of me calling my name. 
And I don't hear because my mind is racing. Lists in my head like the people we owe money too and how do we catch up? Music up too loud because It helps me clean. Thinking of planning a time to sit and journal and do devotions but then get distracted. Or a child starts crying. Then Dad (hubby) calls on lunch break at work to chat. Then I start reading blogs. And I start snapping photos of the crying kids with my phone. (I get them smiling too no worries). Then it's 10:30 and we're crawling in bed. And my last moment to see that beautiful face and hear His wonderful voice speak to me is gone. Why? Because I turn on netflix and close my eyes and sleep so that I can do it all over again. 
It doesnt look like I even make an effort, yet I miss Him. I miss His word. I miss bible studies and worship. 

Ok even as I'm writing this I'm distracting myself. When I click a new tab it goes to facebook land. And after reading that someone is mourning their pigme possum (dont ask haha) I see this:

For God is not a God of disorder but of peace. 1 Cor. 14:33

In conclusion?

Where oh where did I put by bible... 

Gnight world, hello Ephesians. 

Bethany Dillon

Who can hold the stars
And my weary heart?
Who can see everything?

I've fallen so hard
Sometimes I feel so far
But not beyond your reach

I could climb a mountain
Swim the ocean
Or do anything
But it's when you hold me
That I start unfolding
And all I can say is

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
Help me to sing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
I'll choose to sing hallelujah

The same sun that
Rises over castles
And welcomes the day

Spills over buildings
Into the streets
Where orphans play

And only you can see the good
In broken things
You took my heart of stone
And you made it home
And set this prisoner free

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
Help me to sing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
I'll choose to sing hallelujah


Becki said...

Dars, how did you get to be so good at this? I feel like we are going through much the same stuff right now. Thanks for sharing that Bethany Dillon song.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that this is a season. Seasons come and seasons go... things won't always be this way. You won't always be frazzled and distracted and too busy to sit down and listen for His still small voice. He understands. But He loves it when we find a place of calm in the storm and drink in His love.

I love you, sweet niece.

Collie said...

I wish everyone would realize that we are held in the hand of the Lord and He knows our intentions as well as what we do accomplish; we forget that we are a part of Him.

Lora said...

"He knows your name."
so powerful! thanks for the reminder. :) lora

Alene said...

This is beautiful, raw, and real! I'm so thankful God sends grace in an abundance of ways. I also think He reigns down on moms of young children. You bless me friend. Keep striving, Keep seeking!

carissa at lowercase letters said...

i'm reading through Ephesians right now, too. always LOVE it. i think this stuff you speak of is just life. mine looks a lot like yours. and then there's Grace that comes and somehow makes it all pretty. : )