April 27, 2011

Feeling

I feel like I’m hiding. I could be working my butt of starting a job with CM and I’m scared to try harder to get it done. 
I feel like I’ll never reach the point of no more debt. Not just that but actually paying all the bills in a month without a phone getting shut off or asking my sweet Momma for money. (Thank you Mom).
I feel like the “perfect” job, or rather “perfect wage,” for Mondo is never going to be found. I don’t know what to do about that. What happens when unemployment runs out? What happens when he finds a job and gets paid less than we’re getting now? 
I feel like I worry too much about cleaning and then I’m too lazy to get it done. So then what am I doing? Nothing. 
I feel like when I go to church I don’t go for God or me. It just feels like the thing to do. That I’ve always done weekly for 7 years. I was once so close personally to my Savior, my King, my Friend. But it’s like I forgot his phone number so we barely talk. He showed me the right kind of life to live. A happy full life. But the happiness isn’t quite the Joy He wants for me. This isn’t fullness that I’m living.
I feel like I need more. 
I feel like I need less.
I want this.
I need that.
It’s midnight I’m out of formula.
I can’t reach where I want to be.
Have I been walking downhill for over a year?
Why isn’t my cup overflowing?
I feel like I have too many bad habits. 
Too unmotivated.
Too much stress.
I feel like I shouldn’t post this for the world to see.
But I also feel like pushing send. It’s purple and written in Candy Buzz font, of course it needs to go somewhere! Although the blogger wont know this font…           
Whatever.


Praying I FEEL better. Tomorrow and everyday after.
Hoping. Wishing. Thinking. Blinking….  2:30am. Goodnight thoughts, sweet dreams!


<3 my Jesus. 


"So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf 
You have been King of my glory 
Won't You be my Prince of Peace"
Rich Mullins

3 comments:

Nancy said...

I am glad you hit publish. I am glad you came to my blog. I WILL pray for you and the valley you are in. Keep focused on our precious Lord. He is with you and will lead you and will lift you up. Love, Nancy

Darcie said...

Thank you Nancy :)

Feel That Fire said...

I'm glad you did too! You shouldn't be afraid to say how you feel.