July 21, 2010

Dear God

As much as I love writing, I really dont do it often enough. Sometimes I know someone will be reading it and I try to word things in a way knowing people will know everything I'm feeling and thinking, which I dont always want. But this is my piece of paper and my thoughts and prayers, my struggles and words. Whoever is listening.

I really need God.
I know a few people who would say, "but you know him already, your so faithful!"
Between the Lord and I, really. . .   I need my Savior.
I need His love and guidence in the morning to start the day right. I need his living word. I need to feel him around me. I need to hear his voice. I need less of me and more, more, more of Him.
Right now all I see is struggles. In my mind I think itll pass soon. But in reality It comes down to what does my next step look like, where do I go from here, I know God is there but show me what to do PLEASE!!!
Theres always gunna be problems. Were not perfect and we're always going to want more. The more we get the more we want. I dont wanna live like that anymore. I want out of my distractions and chaos of debt and health issues and my selfishness. I want to focus on spending my time with my creator.
If I pray for God to help, to make things better... and I'm not spending time with him, reading my bible and praying, how do I expect to hear what he has to say?

as if you dont already know me and my situation, this is my letter to you. Wants, needs, prayers, complaints. My hands are stretched out for you above all else.
My house is too small for my growing family. My husband doesnt have a job to support us. How will I pay rent in 2 weeks? Car insurence? Phone? Not to mention bills that are on hold or that I'm ignoring because I dont know where to start. If we get sent to a collection agency how will they collect? We have nothing to pay them. I cant wait to have a home big enough, a washer and dryer, dishwasher, and a yard. Enough funds to have everything we need and not have to worry. Even enough to share with others.
I miss you and its my fault. I think everyday that I should read the bible, or sit and pray. Life gets in my way and i get so distracted. I get so lazy. God forgive me for my sin its so horrible! I dont see the end to our struggle. I see what I want to happen: A great job for mondo. Part time job for me. And just better habits all around. You know the end, you know the begining. You know the way out and why we have to go through this. I just hope I get get out of the way and let you work, let you guide me. Guide my steps as well as mold my character. Get rid of the bad and better the good parts of me.
I want to say "I love you" and really mean it, with all thats in me.

Casting Pearls
You Alone

I've come to Your throne here so cold and alone
I'm calling on Your name
I lift my hands to the sky open wide and I cry, Lord, take me away
take this heavy heart and this weary soul and set them free
remove myself till there's nothing left but You alone in me

I'm letting go of all that I know
I'm holding on to You alone
I lay it all down down here at Your feet
I want You alone, You alone

if I go to the heavens above, Lord, I know You are there
if I make my bed in the depths, Lord, I know You are there
if I rise on the wings of the dawn or settle on the far side of the sea
even still, Lord, I know You will, You will always be there with me

Lord I pray you help us out of this hole. Into your garden. A place where we have just enough and dont want for anything. Contentment. Provide us with more than we need so we can bless others. Thank you for providing for us and loving us no matter what we do or say. I give you the bills and health issues. The "heart" issues as well. You are the potter... mold my life Jesus!! I receive your grace, love, mercy, dicipline, help, forgiveness. I want a heart thats more like yours. I ask for strength to walk the way I know I should, because even with the struggles I see, when I'm right with You nothing else matters. To a point... they matter but they dont control my joy. And that joy no matter what else is around is what I want, and what I want others to witness. I really love you . . . 

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