July 12, 2011

Confused Memories

I have something I want to get out. Something I almost never talk about. 
No idea where to start. 

It really hurts to have a friend use you. I shouldn't even use the word "friend." To have someone pretend they are a friend and then turn on you. It was all make believe. To the one and only who took years of my life, you aren't real to me. 

I hate struggling to find words.

This has been brought up lately, a few different times with different people. I thought I could just ignore it but I can't. My closest friend shares my memories and our laughs and cries. She knows... 

This is going to immediately sounds silly. Hopefully its the last time someone will laugh at me for it. I've moved on and it was a part of my life. No regrets, the past is a reason for who we are today.  

It somewhat hurts that everyone played along in this "make believe" world i lived in. But if I was in their shoes that's exactly what Id do too, I think. Just makes me feel all the more stupid now though. At least I know the truth. And now you will too. 

12 years ago, until I was 20ish.   
I used to be shy. Really shy. Having one good friend and no way to talk to everyone else. Oh but I knew how to type. Weird, typing and talking and not seeing another face. I really liked it. Took me out of my shell. So I go online and I talk to friends Id make. Some through other friends and some from my school. Some from another state. Some who pretended to be very well known people I liked. Why would they do that? Whatever...  So for years I've got these friends. We go though a lot. Fun and not so fun. Letters and phone calls. 
Imagine if you can, you have lets say three best friends standing by you. You're all joking around and having fun. Take your closest friend/family member and put them in the situation. Now imagine two of them just disappear. They all of a sudden aren't real. Nothing was real you ever went through. Make believe. Even family and friends elsewhere say they never existed and that you made them up. (Should I be locked up in a padded room?) Now look to the 1 friend that is left. She no longer looks like a friend. She looks like a stranger, her smile looks wrong and her eyes have such an evil stare. No more love. You know her... but at the same time you don't. 
How could it be possible she made it all up? She (this girl from another state through my computer screen) created friends and people, that even her "best friend" that lived down the street believed. For years. So a typical long distance friendship grows apart but mostly in a bad way because they always made us the bad guys for not being there. And one day an old friend, yes from another state but this one is real, gets a hold of me and tells me whats up. Her best friend lied to her too. 
Me too. 
Someone not only pretended to be a friend, but basically had a very split personality. So my "friends" were fake. Just like everyone around me thought but wouldn't say. 
Few of them were real and in the same boat now as me. Hurt and wondering how we could fall for it. 
It was real to me and then like I said, they just disappeared from my life and mind. 
Make believe. 
But I'm the only one not laughing. 

Without rereading this I'm going to just post. Not sure if It's written the way I should have written it but its done. My thoughts are out in the shortest amount of words I could possibly use for this incident. But I needed to vent. 

No comments: